She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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