I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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