just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
