My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
