I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
