Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
