So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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