I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
