cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
