I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
