Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
