My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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