dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
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You left your underwear on the fireplace
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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