watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
