ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
