guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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