I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
