hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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