I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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