I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
