Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
