i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
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I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
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Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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