HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
COCAINE IS GR8
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
