My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
