I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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