i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
