So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
