This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
