Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
