Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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