When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
