Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
