Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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