I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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