Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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