How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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