Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
