I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
this is an emotional support booty call
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
