yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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