He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
