you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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