My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
