i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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