Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
