but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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