Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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