just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
