Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
