Cold hands, warm shart.
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
