As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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