I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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