yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i think my cat just said my name.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
