i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
