there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
