so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
